...and we're back

So I’ve definitely been quiet here lately, but that’s not to say that life has been quiet. I feel like fully acclimating to being a family of four, while having a full time job, has been a wild ride. 

Snapping back is not something that I believe in. Finding the new version of me, as not only a mom of two sweet little humans, but also as myself, is something that I fully believe in.

I found out I was pregnant with Brendan when Maya turned one. Having only one year of parenting under my belt, and fully knowing I was ready for another, was immensely exciting and brought me all of the joy in the world. Building my family on my terms, giving my sweet girl a baby brother and best friend early in her life, and having the immense responsibility and honor of raising two babies in this wild world, felt like I was on the cusp of something amazing. 

My sweet little guy was born on his own terms, six weeks early, and a tough little fighter, just like his mama. I spent the first weeks of his life in survival mode, taking everything one day at a time, fighting for my little guy in the hospital, and my spirited toddler at home. 

Trauma is a word that is frequently used in our house, namely because of my own PTSD that I carry from an accident over ten years ago. I’m hyper aware of my reactions to triggers and noting my body being in fight or flight. Bringing a human into this world is traumatic, taking a massive toll on your body and mind. To do so without any warning, earlier than planned, threw me into an emotional state of fight or flight; survival; get my family to stability. 

I just realized recently how much of that was true. I spent the spring soaking in my maternity leave, holding my baby boy as much as possible, reminding myself we did the hard part. He was home safe and healthy and we were lucky. Not one day goes by that I don’t recognize how immensely lucky we are to have two healthy babies that we have the honor to raise.

About a month and a half back to work, I didn’t love the version of myself coming home. I was edgy, frustrated, overly emotional, easily frazzled, wildly insecure, and anxious day in and day out. I would overreact to small things, and found myself trying to muscle through it. A day without lashing out felt like a win. I felt isolated and alone. 

Trauma is not something I take lightly, or throw the term around as if it should be taken lightly. I’ve also done so much work for my PTSD before having kids, that it was easy to recognize the signs, and fight or flight in my body, constantly buzzing, and anxious. 

I don’t love sharing my feelings, constantly feeling like it’s too much for someone else to take on. Apprehensive from past experiences, where my feelings become about someone else, leaving me feeling more isolated. Despite that leaving me more open to triggers, life experiences and events of others, triggering me and throwing me back in my own fight or flight, I’ve also learned to protect myself, and my safe place. 

I’ve learned that my strength comes from creating quiet and calm. Surrounding myself with people that bring me joy, fill my cup, and leave me feeling better than before. I’ve created boundaries, and non-negotiables, to be fully present with my family, and to build our future, because my family, and their well being, is fundamentally the most important thing I will do. I say no to the people and things that wring me out, throw me into an anxious state, and bring chaos. 

So when everything hits the fan and I hide out, I know that it's the best thing for myself and my family. The best thing I can do is hold my sweet babies and remind them they are my entire world; I can sit outside with my husband and enjoy a great bottle of wine, or watch trashy, entertaining tv; I can go on a long run and zone out, focusing on my breath. 

So that’s where I’ve been - taking a quiet moment to give myself credit for the past two years, and the chaos of the past six months. I’ve been listening to my body tell me to slow down and focus on one thing at a time, and to be proud of everything I’ve done this year. I’ve been taking my kids to the farmers market and playgrounds, going on vacation, and snuggling my puppy every night. I’ve been dating my husband, reading good books, and learning what my boundaries are in this new state, and leaning into every moment of chaos and finding joy in that as our family of four finds our happy place.