friends forever, actually.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about relationships and who we surround ourselves with, and how that changes over time and as we grow up. When we’re kids, being friends is simply a pal to play in the backyard with. That evolves as you go through school and you start to be challenged. You learn to support one another when things go awry — if you don’t make the varsity team, a boy you like doesn’t reciprocate those feelings, you do poorly on a test and have to tell your parents. It’s even further tested as you go off to college, grad school. Not only are you adding distance to a relationship, but you’re adding time apart, adult decisions relating to the trajectory of your life, your goals, hopes, dreams, and recognizing what it takes to get there, only deepening the bonds of a relationship.

Then life comes out of nowhere, and not only are your oldest, most meaningful relationships tested, but your relationship with yourself is tested. You’re asked to look inside yourself to be strong, to be brave, to be vulnerable, and it’s hard. I used to shudder thinking about the times I’ve been tested; the times I’ve been forced to find strength only to feel more isolated than ever. Alone in a crowded room. Then something switched; I started looking at those tests as moments of inflection, moments to rise to the occasion and grow, and fight for myself and those relationships that keep bringing me back to life.

So I pushed myself; I got uncomfortable. I thought deeply about what I wanted, how I want to feel, who brings me joy and lights me up, who drags me down and drains me, who shows up, without question or expectation. I looked at everyone around me and saw a handful of really bright lights. Relationships that have withstood the tests of time and challenge. Those that helped me find not only strength in challenge, but joy and light, and love, to remind myself what’s on the other side. Those that relish the small moments together, the buzz and peace of a night around a bonfire. Those that toast to the future and support one another’s marriages and families. Those that foster and fuel creativity and step out of our comfort zones. Those that don’t burden, or add pressure when life happens. Those that don’t keep score and expect it to look a certain way. Those that don’t avoid hard conversations, or recognizing the challenges in life. Those relationships that offer the phone call while you’re crying, just to be with you in your time of need.

Those relationships are so immensely special and so rare. You fight fiercely to protect them. Growing up is hard, and building relationships so deep and full of love, without judgment, or expectation are hard work. But that feeling of pure happiness, support, unadulterated joy is worth the hard work because it is so rare. When you find that, you never let it go. We all need that; that feeling of unquestionable support. It doesn’t mean we don’t keep seeking other friends and relationships. We start to learn to recognize those that come from who love the same books and have the same interests and those relationships that bring fun and joy and levity. It shows that we have relationships for so many different reasons, that serve different parts of ourselves.

Those deep, forever, been through hell and back friendships, are the ones that let us enjoy life and people, and give us a soft place to land. They show up when the world shuts down. They bring you a bursting heart in the worst of circumstances and make us feel valued… and that’s what you fight for.