cracking open
Vulnerable has a few different definitions; most of which allude to harm, hurt, or even being wounded. This feels almost off, as if every time you’re vulnerable, you’ll be hurt, get sick, or find another form of malice. I’ve found the word to be much softer, and found deeper meanings to be far more graceful, far more forgiving.
To put yourself in a vulnerable state is really to open yourself up. We spend so much time putting up walls, protecting ourselves to never feel something negative, that we forget how much we grow from hurt, pain, failure. We insulate ourselves to this place in our lives where if we do just enough, we can be happy forever, and maybe never get hurt, never have to feel pain. But what happens when this place no longer serves us? What happens when we realize that ultimately, there’s no beauty in life when we’re constantly striving to avoid feeling hard things, to avoid growing?
The second we hold ourselves in this place is the second we stop moving forward…the second we become hardened. We lose the ability to connect with ourselves, our people, and our surroundings. We get detached, maybe even angry or frustrated, we start comparing ourselves to everyone else around us, and we breed a culture of insecurity. We chase a checklist that we’ll never be able to complete — there will always be something greater, something better, if we only keep chasing.
What if we just gave ourselves a moment to be vulnerable? To slowly, gently, start cracking ourselves open? What if we started listening inside of ourselves, and to that voice that said: if only you called that old friend, how would you feel? What if I finally told my best friend all of my deepest fears and realized how easy it could be to overcome them?
After my accident, after learning that my cracks could always show, I hid away from being vulnerable, and then realized I was angry, and irritable, and felt alone in a rat race I would never win. Then one day I hated feeling that way. I hated that I wasn’t driving my relationships deeper, and looking for meaningful positive conversations. I hated that I compared myself and that I felt I could never live up. I woke up to the fact that if I could crack myself open a little bit, to one person, maybe two, maybe I could set a new tone; maybe I could reset my boundaries and raise my expectations of others.
Being vulnerable turned out to be the best thing I could do. I found myself seeking books and art, wanting to write and grow a garden. I wanted outlets off of a screen, and outside of destructive patterns. I wanted to be near nature and enjoy the simple moments in life, whether the best meal of my life, the perfect beach day, a quiet walk in the woods, a simple coffee run, a sweet and heartfelt catch up with my best friend, or a quiet morning with my sweet baby girl, puppy and husband. I wanted to be around only that, only those people and things that brought me that joy, that levity. The people that take the pressure off and let you crack wide open, crying and laughing the whole way through.
Ultimately, vulnerability is grace. It’s letting yourself crack wide open, and doing the same for others. Quietly showing up, with love and support; you feel the good and the bad and find moments for growth, while finding beauty and grace to see the world through that lens.
