mama

“ma-ma-ma-ma-ma” i now hear every morning and night. her big eyes light up, she giggles and laughs, and we both know it’s actually because she knows she has us wrapped around her little fingers. 

i always knew that i wanted to be a mom; i hoped and dreamt about it, while simultaneously being terrified of what raising a tiny human entailed, and feeling anxious about myself and my husband. how would we change? how would our relationship change? would we love our sweet puppy less? would we have to give up ourselves to be good parents?

then one surreal evening, none of it mattered. she was here, perfect, and all ours. i think about how quickly life changed, and how little i noticed. we quickly fell into the new version of life; the version of life that takes at months to wrap your head around. we didn’t sleep, our baby woke up on the hour, our puppy barked through the night, and yet, despite exhaustion, we felt hopeful, and excited. 

while i write this brimming with all of the good things that come with parenting, i also know it is not all perfect. life is pure chaos, and the lows are as low as the highs are high. while i have become someone who gushes, and chooses to see the chaos as an adventure, and remain eternally optimistic, i am still someone who struggles with anxiety and continues to work through that anxiety in the shadow of my own past trauma and how that still affects me. i thought that i couldn’t feel bigger emotions. yet, here we are. some days, everything hits all at once, and i stand frozen in place, waiting for the chaos to slow, waiting to catch my breath to take the next step. 

those moments are the ones that make me question everything. am i doing this right? am i still me? am i completely crazy, emotional, hormonal, and unhinged? am i doing too much - managing a full time job and being a mom, never mind bringing another babe into this world? am i actually doing enough? 

my emotional and mental struggles persist, if not feel bigger many times. insecurity homes in when i least expect it, and roots deep. then she smiles, and it literally lights up the room. her giggle brings me home, and grounds me into exactly what matters, and makes me crave more. i live to see her face light up and dream about what she’ll be like as a big sister. 

alice in wonderland states it perfectly - “it’s no use going back to yesterday, because i was a different person then.” that is the joy in this life; everyday we wake up a different person, and evolve. i’ve realized that in one short hour, your entire life can change, and you’ll never be the person you were before; the joy in this is that it’s not always negative and driven from a life altering trauma. it can come from the life altering moment magic of a child entering our lives, and changing the course of our adulthood.

being a mom is my greatest joy in life; but not only for the reasons i expected. i have found joy in seeing my insecurities and brushing them away. i’ve found strength in worrying less about things that used to consume me. i focus on things that bring me joy, and prioritize those more than ever before. i’ve found hope in setting an example for my daughter. i look into her eyes every night and tell her to have “big big dreams and to take over the world” because that’s exactly what i want her to do; chase her dreams, big and small, just like my mom did for me.